Show Me the LOVE (and I'll be your friend for life)

This post has been bubbling on my back burner for a while and Valentine's Day seemed like an appropriate time to serve it up. It's dedicated to everyone who has made me feel worthy of love - from the lady at the dry cleaners who always remembers my name even though I NEVER pronounce hers correctly to my clients and dearest friends, many of whom are one and the same people. I am grateful for the"perfect" version of myself you reflect back to me.

I'm no expert on love. Believe me, I am as frequently and as completely baffled as any of you.

I love to read ABOUT love - from Rumi to Edna St. Vincent Millay, I've read the poets' interpretations of love. But I'd never really thought about how it related to business until I crafted a keynote for Yellow-Tie International's Build Your Own Brand event with Bob Burg and Scott Ginsberg. One of the questions I posed in that presentation was "what brings people back for more of YOU?"

Not more of your services or products but more of YOU.

Without exception, the answer lies in how you made them feel about themselves, not in how you made them feel about you. Did you make them feel smart, appreciated, beautiful, welcome, validated? In short, did you make them love themselves a little more than they did before they engaged with you?

Do you help people fall in love with themselves?

Because anyone who loves themselves even a little more because of spending time with you, doing business with you, having a conversation with you - that person is your fan for life. They will always love you because you helped them love themselves.

How in the world do you get someone else to love themselves more? Reflect to them the things you see in them that are worthy of love. When they feel genuinely appreciated, welcomed, respected or admired they feel like the little tomcat in the picture seeing the mighty lion in the mirror, they love what is reflected back to them.

What do people see when they look at you? Do they see only you, or do they see themselves reflected in your eyes?

How do you begin reflecting love? First, you have to be focused on them. What authors Bob Burg and John David Mann in The Go-Giver and the follow up book Go-Givers Sell More call "other-focused." You can't reflect anything back to someone else if you are only focused on yourself, your services, or your products. Second, it has to be genuine. Empty flattery might get you somewhere, but it won't get you a friend or a client for life. That's right, you have to focus on the other person and find them worthy of love.

Robert Merton, who is credited with coining the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy" said "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves."

Love that does not begin with allowing others to be perfectly themselves is conditional love at best. No one wants to be loved conditionally - that kind of love is a barter agreement that says "so long as you are/do/say THIS then I will love you." That won't bring clients back for more of you. (It doesn't do much for personal relationships either but that is NOT my area of expertise - see the opening sentence.)

Only by allowing and reflecting the other's "personal perfection" can we help them to love themselves a little more. Only by treating them as the "complete and without defect or blemish" individuals that they truly are can we show them the "lion in the mirror."

I have a number of people I turn to when I need to be reminded of the powerful lioness hidden in my kitty cat soul. Some are friends, some are people with whom I do business, many are both. They know I have my faults, but they remind me that every one of my faults is also a strength and that I am, in fact, perfectly myself.

I have a couple of stories I want to share about loving our faults but I think that will have to wait for the next post.

For today (or any day) go reflect love back to the special people in your life. Whether they are your clients, your friends, your family or your special someone, show them how much you appreciate, respect, admire and welcome them just for being who they are. And check back here tomorrow for more thoughts on love to start your week.

Who's Got Your Happy?

Any time a theme presents itself through multiple converstaions on multiple occasions over a short period of time I figure it’s either a universal element in the human experience or I have become sensitive to it because there is a lesson there I need to learn.

Yeah – you’re right. It’s probably both. So some examples…

• A friend’s partner of three years said “I’m not happy and I think that means I don’t love you anymore so I need you to move out.”
• Another friend said to me “I’m so depressed, I just can’t seem to make my wife happy no matter what I do.”
• A casual acquaintance said to me “For me to be happy at work my boss would have to…”
• A client said "I want to have more clients that make me happy."

The list goes on…

And then while I was reading Richard Bach’s Illusions for the umpteenth time (give or take a few) I read what the protégée of the story says, quite unaware of the significance of his observation, to his mentor;

“If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.”

How often have you said - or at least thought - "When YOU do that it makes ME really unhappy?" Or "If YOU would only ________ it would make ME so happy."

How many people's "happy" do you hold in your hands? Who's holding on to yours?

In my inspection of my own attitudes about happiness I made a list of things that make me "unhappy" - that rob me of my happiness. And I realized that the emotion I often called "happy" wasn't happiness at all and the things I believed made me unhappy only marred my joy for as long as I allowed them to do so but they did not prevent me from connecting to the source of my "happy."

So what is that thing we call happiness? Since we all know that "happy" people are more successful in love and business and even tend to live longer lives it seems like a relevant question.

Most people who know me probably think I'm ALWAYS upbeat, positive, optimistic - in a word, "happy." Let me debunk that myth right now. I'm an intense person - when I am NOT upbeat, positive and optimistic I could have Pollyanna preparing for Armegeddon. But those things don't equate to "happy" and not being upbeat, positive and optimistic doesn't mean I'm UNhappy.

As with most every other "truth", I believe everyone has to figure out their own personal truth about "happy." I'll share what I discovered about mine, maybe it will help someone else discover their own.

"Happy" for me is more than an attitude. It is a state of being - something that transcends my current circumstances or situation. Knowing that doesn't automatically mean "now I'm going to be happy all the time for no reason at all."

It does mean that I can choose to tap into my "happy" (the most common definition, by the way, is "marked by joy or pleasure") even when I am experiencing a host of negative emotions.

I might be in a situation that keeps me from being fulfilled, I might experience an illness that keeps me from being productive, I might have failed to meet my own expectations - so I might be feeling unfulfilled, sick, unproductive and like a failure. I might have even more severe challenges, loss of my physical freedom, loss of the freedom to express myself honestly - things that strike at the essense of my ability to BE myself. But that only means there are circumstances I am not happy ABOUT - not that I, at my core and as a whole being, am not "HAPPY" - so long as I can experience joy and pleasure I can be happy.

And that "happy" can give me the strength, conviction and courage to address the things I'm unhappy ABOUT.

The next time you say to yourself "If ______ would ________ then I would be happy" ask yourself - "really - don't I really mean that I would be happiER?"

It's likely that having that person give you recognition, affection, attention, help in the kitchen, cooperation on a project, etc... would ADD to your pleasure and joy. That being healthier, slimmer, having more free time, etc... would ADD to your pleasure and joy.

Even situations that restrict your ability to BE yourself - a client, boss, lover, spouse or friend who disapproves of you when you are being your most natural self or who does not recognize your interests or needs in the relationship - YOU are still the one choosing to continue the relationship. If you have exhausted all measures to create equity in the relationship then your only option may be to end it and that is often painful for emotional and/or financial reasons. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide if the restrictions you have allowed that person to place on you cause more pain than it would cause you to transition out of the relationship. YOU are the only person who can make that choice and take that step.

But when you say "I would be happy if..." you are sending yourself a message that you CANNOT be happy until that happens. The unhappiness you choose when you choose that statement robs you of the wherewithal to make that thing come about whether it requires impacting another life, changing your home or work environment, making different decisions about how you spend your time and energy or improving or even leaving a relationship.

No one is holding your "happy" hostage except you.

Of course, as with any truth, the converse is true as well. You can certainly do things to make others happiER but you cannot make them happy if they are not. You might be the source of dissatisfaction, discomfort and even unfulfillment. You MIGHT even be putting up barriers to their being their true selves, doing and being what they are most joyful doing and being - I hope not, but I've been guilty of that in relationships and I think most of us can do that to others without being aware of it. But you do NOT hold their "happy" in your hands.

You have the opportunity to add MORE joy to your life (and believe me that WILL be reflected in your business success) and you have the wonderful opportunity to add MORE joy to the lives of others (and THAT will be reflected in your business sucess as well.) It may require effort (sometimes known as "work") but if the outcome is truly joy then it won't seem like drudgery. Tapping into your "happy" can transform a task or situation you do not enjoy into an outcome and an experience that will lift your spirits for the rest of your life.

Certainly I enourage you to explore the things you aren't happy ABOUT and the things that bring you joy (see the last three posts here.) But know that your source of "happy" is INTERNAL - looking to EXTERNAL sources for it or trying to BE the source of "happy" for someone else is like looking for seashells in the forrest - it will only lead to frustration, bitterness and failure.

So go for the JOY, add to your "happy" and the "happy" of others. But first connect to that fire within you that holds the seeds of your happiness and CHOOSE to BE happy so long as that fire is even an ember.

Transforming Your Business by Indulging in Joy

"Indulge"

- isn't that a marvelous word? It's right up there with "transform" and "connect" on my list of favorite verbs.

As we embark on the new year I hear people say "this year I'm going to work more ON my business not IN my business" and "this is my year to work ON me" and "this year I'm going to work on being more..." and even I refer to my best clients as the ones who come to me ready to "do the work." Clearly we believe that transformations happen because we work to make them possible.

So am I saying we can enjoy every moment - maybe not. I'm probably never going to enjoy some tasks but I still experience joy in the outcomes. And that joy lights my fire and powers my action which leads to outcomes.

So why do we focus on the work? Why don't we focus instead on the joy that effort produces?

I have repeatedly seen that people who focus on the joy in the outcome rather than the task or the goal consistently transform themselves and their businesses. Ask them if it was work and they'll likely say "sure it took EFFORT - but it brought me a lot of joy."

So I can bet you want to know how.... Let me give you an example. In my last post I shared MY Joy List.

In 2010 I will...

• Make more people smile
• Plant more roses
• Take more walks
• Play more music
• Reach more clients
• Be more aware of the transformations that happen every minute of every day

It's pretty clear that "reach more clients" is an outcome that can transform my business. And since I"m a "transformation agent" being more aware of transformations also has a huge impact on my ability to open those paths to clients as well.

But what about "make more people smile?" Isn't that just a "random act of kindness" kind of thing?

Well, I don't think of making people smile as a business strategy, BUT I do have business strategies that bring me joy because they make people smile. Let me share one that the author's of The Go-Giver just shared for the new year.

I have so many true Go-Givers in my life and I'll bet you do to. They smile when I tell them how much I appreciate that they live those principles but they smile even bigger and longer when I recognize their Go-Giver nature to the world. With The Go-Giver Award I can do just that - make someone smile every single day AND let the world know how much I appreciate them in my life.

So on my daily to-do list starting today is to send ONE Go-Giver award to someone I want to recognize as a Go-Giver EVERY SINGLE DAY!

How is that a business strategy? Let's look at the hard-nosed pragmatic side. Since I am certified to coach on The Go-Giver and I speak and do workshops on the 5 Laws, anything that makes people more aware of the 5 Laws of Stratospheric Success increases my worth and credibility. Since authors Bob Burg and John David Mann are great friends and huge proponents of my efforts helping them helps me. Shoot, the web page even has the first chapter to the NEW Go-Giver book, Go-Givers Sell More and I am actually featured (as are many of my friends) in that book. So is it a sound promotional strategy? You bet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.... Truth is there are a lot of things I could put on my to-do list that would achieve all that and maybe more. But I know I'll DO this - because imagining the smile on the face of the recipient brings me so much joy I'd do it even if I weren't so closely tied to the book.

Being able to easily download this certificate and share it through social media lets me implement all 5 Laws at once - because it does add value, it reaches many people, it serves others interests, it's totally authentic and I'm open to receiving whatever comes to me as a result because I know one thing - people WILL smile. How could anyone who really is using those 5 Laws in their life and business receive recognition like this and it not bring a smile to their face?

It is only fitting that the first of my Go-Giver awards goes out to my good friend and colleague, sales trainer, Yellow-Tie founder, author and idea man extraordinare - Gill Wager.

It was Gill who gave me my first copy of The Go-Giver, who first introduced me to the authors, who founded the Business Development Association, Yellow-Tie International on the very principles in the book, and who is a shining example of what it means to BE a Go-Giver!

Gill, you inspire me daily - it gives me tremendous JOY to have this opportunity to acknowledge everything you do for me and for everyone whose lives you touch!

And THAT, as The Go-Giver co-author Bob Burg says in his keynote, is "not only a nice way to live life but a very profitable one as well."

(kudos also to Thom Scott and Cesar Abeug for the concept and design of the award and the web site and to Kathy Zader for implementation.)

The Power of Play (What I learned from kids at St. Jude's today)

Today I rode down to Memphis with my friend, Tammy, and her 8 year old son, Robbie. In October of last year the doctors removed a lump from Robbie's leg. After considerable amount of time and consernation on the part of many top doctors at Johns Hopkins and elsewhere he was diagnosed with a rare form of NK Lymphoma, one that has characterists of luekemia as well. Early last year he began an aggressive treatment plan that involved intense chemotherapy for 146 weeks and monthly trips to Memphis for treatment at St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. I am writing this post from the St. Jude's campus.

So today I watched while child after child checked in here with their families. Some are in wheelchairs, some are bald, some are sporting bandages, but very few were crying or fussy. Kids take their lives as they come and they play and take what joy is available to them regardless.

Robbie knows what he is facing. But even knowing what this trip holds, Robbie has joked around, giggled, watched movies, rocked out to Queen in the car, agreed to go out to Huey's for dinner even though he was tired because Tammy told him I might not want to eat pizza in the room (I think SHE didn't want to) and while he has had a few breakdowns he has mostly just been a kid. He has a light saber he takes everywhere (well not to dinner but everywhere else) and he still has a skip in his step.

But he showed me his favorite piece of art - a stormy abstract that says "Who am I? I am not my illness" and he understands exactly what that means. I'm watching kids who have had to ask the question "am I going to die" and have had to face the answer and they still play. I'm watching the parents who have had to field that question who are managing to play with them, and to discipline them when necessary, knowing they could lose them sooner rather than later. I am listening to the stories of the other children they have known here and which ones I will meet tomorrow and which ones have finished treatment and which ones have "earned their angel wings".

And I am thinking of the perspective this offers us all. Not "it could be worse, who am I to complain" but a reminder that life is short for all of us and we all have hardships, but it is meant to be experienced and we are meant to play! We don't know what lies ahead and we can't change what is behind us. But here, in this moment, we can choose to play and experience joy. There won't be a better time than now!

Does Passion Create Joy or Suffering? Yes It Does!

"Passion makes the old medicine new:
Passion lops off the bough of weariness.
Passion is the elixir that renews:
How can there be weariness
when passion is present?
Oh, don't sigh heavily from fatigue:
seek passion, seek passion, seek passion!"
- Rumi


How many times have you heard an elevator speech that started “I’m passionate about helping…?”

Or been told “do what you are passionate about and the money will follow?”

Your passions say a lot about you – it’s why I am often asked during interviews “So, Dixie, what are you passionate about?” (Watch David Siteman Garland ask me that exact question on The Rise to the Top and you won’t need to read the rest of this post.)

It’s a good question.

One which often leaves us wondering “what AM I passionate about?”

Because we know it is true – when we are connected to our passion we are fired up, busting through every barrier, feet barely touching the ground.

When we are fulfilling our passion we believe in ourselves, we feel limitless and optimistic about what we can make of our future.

A person who is living an example of their core passion attracts other people. Their energy attracts other energy (we call this multiplier affect “synergy”.) That is why when I coach clients on creating connections we start with tapping into this energy source.

Because we cannot tap into that wellspring of energy unless we have access to its source.

Often the question I hear people asking themselves and each other is actually “what are you passionate about DOING?”

The word “passion” is derived from the Latin “pati” meaning “to suffer.” (Ironically, that is also the source of the word “patient” an adjective that, for me, IS the equivalent of suffering.) Which is why, if you read old classic romances you see phrases like “he suffered from a deep and enduring passion.”

So is suffering required? I thought passion was “the elixir that renews.” Well if you are willing to let your passion simmer on a back burner while you do nothing, you will, indeed, suffer.

So is action the answer then? Just do it? But what if you take action and fail? Isn’t that just another kind of suffering?

How do you achieve that powerful “nothing can stop me now” kind of feeling that we associate with doing what you are passionate about doing and being rewarded for doing it?

Understand your passion is not for a thing, it isn’t for an activity, it is for an OUTCOME. Your passion lifts you far above the ground when you achieve an outcome that brings you joy. You may have to do things you don’t even enjoy, let alone feel passionate about. You may have to take some risks, and even get back up after a few falls.

The joy of living your passion comes from seeing the result of putting action to your emotion.

Guess what? Results are what we get paid for as well. Sure enough, when you FULFILL your passion the money does follow.

Please, seek passion. Match your action to your emotion. Let your energy attract people who want to work with you. Achieve outcomes that add value to the lives of others. You won’t need to seek money, you will only need to accept it when it finds you.

Roadblocks, Speed Bumps and Stepping Stones

So you’re barreling down the Career Super Highway and, oops, what is that you see on your horizon? A roadblock? A speed bump? A warning sign? A detour? Or maybe just a helpful stepping stone to bridge your way between where you are and where you want to go?

We’ve all had those days, sometimes they turn into weeks, when every step we take seems to lead to one more roadblock. We make plans, they fall through. We set goals and something gets in the way. We worry about things like the stock market, the job market, the farmer’s market and the price of eggs in China. (Okay, I just made those last two up but ‘I’ll bet someone somewhere is worried about them.)

So how do you handle mysterious things that get in your path? Do you come to a screeching halt and think “I’m safe where I am so maybe I’ll just pull over right here and hang tight until that thing goes away”? That’s what I’m seeing a lot of individuals and companies trying to do right now; hunker down, ride it out, wait and see. Well that’s a sure way to stall your career or your business but it is not a sure way to still have a career or business next year or even next month.

Or do you think “well it’s going to be rough so I’d better just step on the gas and try to get ahead of the pack”? Determination is a wonderful attribute but if it really was a roadblock you can do a lot of damage when you hit it and there just may have been a reason it was there.

Or maybe you are a true navigator, you get out your map, your spyglass and your compass and take stock of the situation. You consult with your team and the experts. You know that the thing on your horizon might be a brick wall but it might also be an opportunity. It might mean a detour, but the detour might take you somewhere you needed to go and would have never visited if your way hadn’t been blocked. It’s all a matter of perspective.

The economy is shifting the market. Maybe this is the ideal time to explore new markets, add new services and focus on convenience and customer service.
You just lost a key team member. Maybe this is the ideal time to restructure your strategy, evaluate your remaining team members, train new talent, reassign responsibilities, promote someone who has long deserved the chance to prove themselves. Team building is more than just hiring to replace a terminating employee, it's getting the right people in the right positions and giving them the resources to grow.
Advertising dollars are tight. Maybe now is the time to consider new tactics, try a guerrilla approach, create advertising alliances with complimentary businesses, explore email and text to get your message to your market, do something none of your competitors are doing, hone your message and carve a deeper niche.

Not to be too Pollyannaish, but most set backs also represent opportunities. And the people who have the perspective and perseverance to find the opportunities are the ones who create so much wealth and happiness we often look them and think “wow, how did she get so lucky?” We create our own luck, in the choices we make, the people we surround ourselves with, the resources we tap into, the beliefs we allow to rule our thoughts and our decisions. How we create success out of crisis is part of our mental and emotional programming and ultimately we control that. Crisis doesn’t make or break a person; it reveals their inner strength and vision.

Or to quote Scottish writer Allan K. Chalmers, “Crises redefine life. In them you discover who you are.” Follow that with a quote from another wise man, Epictetus, who said, “First say to yourself what you would be; then do what you have to do.”

Okay, so there’s a bump in the road on your horizon, who will you be and what will you do?

Who do you answer to?

I sat there in my car, facing West on I-70 looking at the tail end of a semi trailer in front of me and the grill of another one in my rear view mirror, moving about an inch per second. Not an auspicious beginning to what would now be an even longer than usual trip to see a client of 12 years who, if he and his team weren’t such a joy to coach, I would have dropped long ago just to avoid this very kind of situation.

This required more than music to distract me, it was either return some calls or tune in to NPR. Too frustrated with my current traffic dilemma to return calls – let’s see what NPR has going on.

I came into the middle of an interview about happiness. As in “are you happy?” and “how happy are you?” But also as in “why are people in their 40’s and 50’s so unhappy?” and “is there a limit to how happy you can be?” Huh?

Yup, turns out that there are studies that indicate that people are more likely to suffer depression in their middle years. And other studies suggest that we all have a “happiness set point” that determines how predisposed we are to being happy and just how much "happy" we are able to sustain.

Since I know that success in coaching means tapping into that “happy” that they were discussing and many of my clients are, like myself, in the age range they were saying is less likely to be able to tap into that “happy”, I "happily" listened to every theory put forth by the author, the show host and all the people who called in to comment on the air. I found it unsettling to realize that the theme of the views being aired was that we lose touch with our “happy” in our middle years because we aren’t able to realize our dreams. Then as the years continue to pass by we slowly come to terms with the loss of our dreams and become content and able to connect with our “happy” again. So they concluded that if we “lower our sights” and “accept our limitations” earlier in life we can avoid that middle age depression. Now that is enough to make ME depressed.

I thought about “happy” for a long time after I passed the construction that had caused my traffic snarl. Zipping along toward Kansas City I asked myself what I thought it meant to be happy. Did sitting nearly motionless on I70 make me unhappy? Not really. Frustrated, yes, but not unhappy. So I started a mental list of the things in my life right now and about each one I asked myself “does that make you happy or unhappy?”

Interesting and mentally entertaining (you might try it sometime) but not the heart of the matter here. The real discovery came when I started questioning why we would be more prone to depression in our middle years. Now I’ve had my share of clients who suffered from depression and not all of them were between 35 and 65. And I’ve had many clients in that age range who weren’t depressed (or at least didn’t let on to me if they were.) So I pondered our life cycles and my experiences with clients of all ages and I have a different theory to propose:

What if we get depressed, not because we lose sight of our dreams but because we lose sight of our lives?

Think about it; when we are young adults we don’t really answer to anyone more important than ourselves. We have parents, professors, bosses, etc… but we have the option to ignore them or exchange them. We are “big girls and boys” and we can make it on our own. We can drop that class. We can get a new job. We can choose! And when we reach retirement age we give up many of the people we answer to. Our parents have often passed on, if we have professors it is because we’re taking classes for the joy of learning and we can always walk away and if we still have bosses we also have the light of retirement shining within reach. Our children are grown, our relationships have become less turbulent. Again, we have choices!

But in those years in between we usually add lifemates, children and bosses that control the success of our careers. We may add employees and clients. We often are now caring for our parents and so answer to them almost as dependably as we did when we were children. We have a place in society and answer to the expectations of our peers. Nearly every moment of our lives is spent answering to someone other than ourselves. Even if our dreams are still intact and still within reach we don’t have an ounce of energy to reach for them.

So maybe keeping “happy” within reach means making sure you are still reaching for your dreams without giving up your life. So here is a challenge worth doing if you want to keep your “happy” in sight. This is an adaptation of an exercise called the Priority Bullseye which was developed by Kathy Kolbe, the theorist and author behind the Kolbe Wisdom. I use it often with my coaching clients.

Answer this question: “If I answered ONLY to myself what would I want to accomplish?” Now write it down. That’s easy, isn’t it? (If it isn’t easy you may have just discovered one major “dissync” that is keeping you out of reach of your “happy”.)

Next, jot down a list of all the people you answer to. Not people who want something from you but the people whom you either choose to or must try to satisfy.

Next, take another sheet of paper and draw a big circle, and a smaller circle inside that and a smaller circle within that and a little circle in the middle. (If it doesn’t look a lot like a target go back and do it again.)

Next, in the bullseye spot (the circle in the middle) write down the most important person you answer to right now. That one relationship that, if you screw this one up will cause everything else to suffer. Then in the space between the bullseye and the next circle write the person who comes next and so on until you've filled in the spaces in all the circles.

You’ve already guessed the next question, haven’t you? Where are you on the target? How much of what you would want to accomplish if you answered to yourself is "in sync" with what you can accomplish by answering to the people you’ve listed on your target?

Are your dreams and your priorities perfectly in sync? If not, how will you answer the all important question: “How do I bring accomplishing my dreams closer to the bullseye?”