Who's Got Your Happy?

Any time a theme presents itself through multiple converstaions on multiple occasions over a short period of time I figure it’s either a universal element in the human experience or I have become sensitive to it because there is a lesson there I need to learn.

Yeah – you’re right. It’s probably both. So some examples…

• A friend’s partner of three years said “I’m not happy and I think that means I don’t love you anymore so I need you to move out.”
• Another friend said to me “I’m so depressed, I just can’t seem to make my wife happy no matter what I do.”
• A casual acquaintance said to me “For me to be happy at work my boss would have to…”
• A client said "I want to have more clients that make me happy."

The list goes on…

And then while I was reading Richard Bach’s Illusions for the umpteenth time (give or take a few) I read what the protégée of the story says, quite unaware of the significance of his observation, to his mentor;

“If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.”

How often have you said - or at least thought - "When YOU do that it makes ME really unhappy?" Or "If YOU would only ________ it would make ME so happy."

How many people's "happy" do you hold in your hands? Who's holding on to yours?

In my inspection of my own attitudes about happiness I made a list of things that make me "unhappy" - that rob me of my happiness. And I realized that the emotion I often called "happy" wasn't happiness at all and the things I believed made me unhappy only marred my joy for as long as I allowed them to do so but they did not prevent me from connecting to the source of my "happy."

So what is that thing we call happiness? Since we all know that "happy" people are more successful in love and business and even tend to live longer lives it seems like a relevant question.

Most people who know me probably think I'm ALWAYS upbeat, positive, optimistic - in a word, "happy." Let me debunk that myth right now. I'm an intense person - when I am NOT upbeat, positive and optimistic I could have Pollyanna preparing for Armegeddon. But those things don't equate to "happy" and not being upbeat, positive and optimistic doesn't mean I'm UNhappy.

As with most every other "truth", I believe everyone has to figure out their own personal truth about "happy." I'll share what I discovered about mine, maybe it will help someone else discover their own.

"Happy" for me is more than an attitude. It is a state of being - something that transcends my current circumstances or situation. Knowing that doesn't automatically mean "now I'm going to be happy all the time for no reason at all."

It does mean that I can choose to tap into my "happy" (the most common definition, by the way, is "marked by joy or pleasure") even when I am experiencing a host of negative emotions.

I might be in a situation that keeps me from being fulfilled, I might experience an illness that keeps me from being productive, I might have failed to meet my own expectations - so I might be feeling unfulfilled, sick, unproductive and like a failure. I might have even more severe challenges, loss of my physical freedom, loss of the freedom to express myself honestly - things that strike at the essense of my ability to BE myself. But that only means there are circumstances I am not happy ABOUT - not that I, at my core and as a whole being, am not "HAPPY" - so long as I can experience joy and pleasure I can be happy.

And that "happy" can give me the strength, conviction and courage to address the things I'm unhappy ABOUT.

The next time you say to yourself "If ______ would ________ then I would be happy" ask yourself - "really - don't I really mean that I would be happiER?"

It's likely that having that person give you recognition, affection, attention, help in the kitchen, cooperation on a project, etc... would ADD to your pleasure and joy. That being healthier, slimmer, having more free time, etc... would ADD to your pleasure and joy.

Even situations that restrict your ability to BE yourself - a client, boss, lover, spouse or friend who disapproves of you when you are being your most natural self or who does not recognize your interests or needs in the relationship - YOU are still the one choosing to continue the relationship. If you have exhausted all measures to create equity in the relationship then your only option may be to end it and that is often painful for emotional and/or financial reasons. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide if the restrictions you have allowed that person to place on you cause more pain than it would cause you to transition out of the relationship. YOU are the only person who can make that choice and take that step.

But when you say "I would be happy if..." you are sending yourself a message that you CANNOT be happy until that happens. The unhappiness you choose when you choose that statement robs you of the wherewithal to make that thing come about whether it requires impacting another life, changing your home or work environment, making different decisions about how you spend your time and energy or improving or even leaving a relationship.

No one is holding your "happy" hostage except you.

Of course, as with any truth, the converse is true as well. You can certainly do things to make others happiER but you cannot make them happy if they are not. You might be the source of dissatisfaction, discomfort and even unfulfillment. You MIGHT even be putting up barriers to their being their true selves, doing and being what they are most joyful doing and being - I hope not, but I've been guilty of that in relationships and I think most of us can do that to others without being aware of it. But you do NOT hold their "happy" in your hands.

You have the opportunity to add MORE joy to your life (and believe me that WILL be reflected in your business success) and you have the wonderful opportunity to add MORE joy to the lives of others (and THAT will be reflected in your business sucess as well.) It may require effort (sometimes known as "work") but if the outcome is truly joy then it won't seem like drudgery. Tapping into your "happy" can transform a task or situation you do not enjoy into an outcome and an experience that will lift your spirits for the rest of your life.

Certainly I enourage you to explore the things you aren't happy ABOUT and the things that bring you joy (see the last three posts here.) But know that your source of "happy" is INTERNAL - looking to EXTERNAL sources for it or trying to BE the source of "happy" for someone else is like looking for seashells in the forrest - it will only lead to frustration, bitterness and failure.

So go for the JOY, add to your "happy" and the "happy" of others. But first connect to that fire within you that holds the seeds of your happiness and CHOOSE to BE happy so long as that fire is even an ember.

The Power of Play (What I learned from kids at St. Jude's today)

Today I rode down to Memphis with my friend, Tammy, and her 8 year old son, Robbie. In October of last year the doctors removed a lump from Robbie's leg. After considerable amount of time and consernation on the part of many top doctors at Johns Hopkins and elsewhere he was diagnosed with a rare form of NK Lymphoma, one that has characterists of luekemia as well. Early last year he began an aggressive treatment plan that involved intense chemotherapy for 146 weeks and monthly trips to Memphis for treatment at St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. I am writing this post from the St. Jude's campus.

So today I watched while child after child checked in here with their families. Some are in wheelchairs, some are bald, some are sporting bandages, but very few were crying or fussy. Kids take their lives as they come and they play and take what joy is available to them regardless.

Robbie knows what he is facing. But even knowing what this trip holds, Robbie has joked around, giggled, watched movies, rocked out to Queen in the car, agreed to go out to Huey's for dinner even though he was tired because Tammy told him I might not want to eat pizza in the room (I think SHE didn't want to) and while he has had a few breakdowns he has mostly just been a kid. He has a light saber he takes everywhere (well not to dinner but everywhere else) and he still has a skip in his step.

But he showed me his favorite piece of art - a stormy abstract that says "Who am I? I am not my illness" and he understands exactly what that means. I'm watching kids who have had to ask the question "am I going to die" and have had to face the answer and they still play. I'm watching the parents who have had to field that question who are managing to play with them, and to discipline them when necessary, knowing they could lose them sooner rather than later. I am listening to the stories of the other children they have known here and which ones I will meet tomorrow and which ones have finished treatment and which ones have "earned their angel wings".

And I am thinking of the perspective this offers us all. Not "it could be worse, who am I to complain" but a reminder that life is short for all of us and we all have hardships, but it is meant to be experienced and we are meant to play! We don't know what lies ahead and we can't change what is behind us. But here, in this moment, we can choose to play and experience joy. There won't be a better time than now!

Who do you answer to?

I sat there in my car, facing West on I-70 looking at the tail end of a semi trailer in front of me and the grill of another one in my rear view mirror, moving about an inch per second. Not an auspicious beginning to what would now be an even longer than usual trip to see a client of 12 years who, if he and his team weren’t such a joy to coach, I would have dropped long ago just to avoid this very kind of situation.

This required more than music to distract me, it was either return some calls or tune in to NPR. Too frustrated with my current traffic dilemma to return calls – let’s see what NPR has going on.

I came into the middle of an interview about happiness. As in “are you happy?” and “how happy are you?” But also as in “why are people in their 40’s and 50’s so unhappy?” and “is there a limit to how happy you can be?” Huh?

Yup, turns out that there are studies that indicate that people are more likely to suffer depression in their middle years. And other studies suggest that we all have a “happiness set point” that determines how predisposed we are to being happy and just how much "happy" we are able to sustain.

Since I know that success in coaching means tapping into that “happy” that they were discussing and many of my clients are, like myself, in the age range they were saying is less likely to be able to tap into that “happy”, I "happily" listened to every theory put forth by the author, the show host and all the people who called in to comment on the air. I found it unsettling to realize that the theme of the views being aired was that we lose touch with our “happy” in our middle years because we aren’t able to realize our dreams. Then as the years continue to pass by we slowly come to terms with the loss of our dreams and become content and able to connect with our “happy” again. So they concluded that if we “lower our sights” and “accept our limitations” earlier in life we can avoid that middle age depression. Now that is enough to make ME depressed.

I thought about “happy” for a long time after I passed the construction that had caused my traffic snarl. Zipping along toward Kansas City I asked myself what I thought it meant to be happy. Did sitting nearly motionless on I70 make me unhappy? Not really. Frustrated, yes, but not unhappy. So I started a mental list of the things in my life right now and about each one I asked myself “does that make you happy or unhappy?”

Interesting and mentally entertaining (you might try it sometime) but not the heart of the matter here. The real discovery came when I started questioning why we would be more prone to depression in our middle years. Now I’ve had my share of clients who suffered from depression and not all of them were between 35 and 65. And I’ve had many clients in that age range who weren’t depressed (or at least didn’t let on to me if they were.) So I pondered our life cycles and my experiences with clients of all ages and I have a different theory to propose:

What if we get depressed, not because we lose sight of our dreams but because we lose sight of our lives?

Think about it; when we are young adults we don’t really answer to anyone more important than ourselves. We have parents, professors, bosses, etc… but we have the option to ignore them or exchange them. We are “big girls and boys” and we can make it on our own. We can drop that class. We can get a new job. We can choose! And when we reach retirement age we give up many of the people we answer to. Our parents have often passed on, if we have professors it is because we’re taking classes for the joy of learning and we can always walk away and if we still have bosses we also have the light of retirement shining within reach. Our children are grown, our relationships have become less turbulent. Again, we have choices!

But in those years in between we usually add lifemates, children and bosses that control the success of our careers. We may add employees and clients. We often are now caring for our parents and so answer to them almost as dependably as we did when we were children. We have a place in society and answer to the expectations of our peers. Nearly every moment of our lives is spent answering to someone other than ourselves. Even if our dreams are still intact and still within reach we don’t have an ounce of energy to reach for them.

So maybe keeping “happy” within reach means making sure you are still reaching for your dreams without giving up your life. So here is a challenge worth doing if you want to keep your “happy” in sight. This is an adaptation of an exercise called the Priority Bullseye which was developed by Kathy Kolbe, the theorist and author behind the Kolbe Wisdom. I use it often with my coaching clients.

Answer this question: “If I answered ONLY to myself what would I want to accomplish?” Now write it down. That’s easy, isn’t it? (If it isn’t easy you may have just discovered one major “dissync” that is keeping you out of reach of your “happy”.)

Next, jot down a list of all the people you answer to. Not people who want something from you but the people whom you either choose to or must try to satisfy.

Next, take another sheet of paper and draw a big circle, and a smaller circle inside that and a smaller circle within that and a little circle in the middle. (If it doesn’t look a lot like a target go back and do it again.)

Next, in the bullseye spot (the circle in the middle) write down the most important person you answer to right now. That one relationship that, if you screw this one up will cause everything else to suffer. Then in the space between the bullseye and the next circle write the person who comes next and so on until you've filled in the spaces in all the circles.

You’ve already guessed the next question, haven’t you? Where are you on the target? How much of what you would want to accomplish if you answered to yourself is "in sync" with what you can accomplish by answering to the people you’ve listed on your target?

Are your dreams and your priorities perfectly in sync? If not, how will you answer the all important question: “How do I bring accomplishing my dreams closer to the bullseye?”