Show Me the LOVE (and I'll be your friend for life)

This post has been bubbling on my back burner for a while and Valentine's Day seemed like an appropriate time to serve it up. It's dedicated to everyone who has made me feel worthy of love - from the lady at the dry cleaners who always remembers my name even though I NEVER pronounce hers correctly to my clients and dearest friends, many of whom are one and the same people. I am grateful for the"perfect" version of myself you reflect back to me.

I'm no expert on love. Believe me, I am as frequently and as completely baffled as any of you.

I love to read ABOUT love - from Rumi to Edna St. Vincent Millay, I've read the poets' interpretations of love. But I'd never really thought about how it related to business until I crafted a keynote for Yellow-Tie International's Build Your Own Brand event with Bob Burg and Scott Ginsberg. One of the questions I posed in that presentation was "what brings people back for more of YOU?"

Not more of your services or products but more of YOU.

Without exception, the answer lies in how you made them feel about themselves, not in how you made them feel about you. Did you make them feel smart, appreciated, beautiful, welcome, validated? In short, did you make them love themselves a little more than they did before they engaged with you?

Do you help people fall in love with themselves?

Because anyone who loves themselves even a little more because of spending time with you, doing business with you, having a conversation with you - that person is your fan for life. They will always love you because you helped them love themselves.

How in the world do you get someone else to love themselves more? Reflect to them the things you see in them that are worthy of love. When they feel genuinely appreciated, welcomed, respected or admired they feel like the little tomcat in the picture seeing the mighty lion in the mirror, they love what is reflected back to them.

What do people see when they look at you? Do they see only you, or do they see themselves reflected in your eyes?

How do you begin reflecting love? First, you have to be focused on them. What authors Bob Burg and John David Mann in The Go-Giver and the follow up book Go-Givers Sell More call "other-focused." You can't reflect anything back to someone else if you are only focused on yourself, your services, or your products. Second, it has to be genuine. Empty flattery might get you somewhere, but it won't get you a friend or a client for life. That's right, you have to focus on the other person and find them worthy of love.

Robert Merton, who is credited with coining the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy" said "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves."

Love that does not begin with allowing others to be perfectly themselves is conditional love at best. No one wants to be loved conditionally - that kind of love is a barter agreement that says "so long as you are/do/say THIS then I will love you." That won't bring clients back for more of you. (It doesn't do much for personal relationships either but that is NOT my area of expertise - see the opening sentence.)

Only by allowing and reflecting the other's "personal perfection" can we help them to love themselves a little more. Only by treating them as the "complete and without defect or blemish" individuals that they truly are can we show them the "lion in the mirror."

I have a number of people I turn to when I need to be reminded of the powerful lioness hidden in my kitty cat soul. Some are friends, some are people with whom I do business, many are both. They know I have my faults, but they remind me that every one of my faults is also a strength and that I am, in fact, perfectly myself.

I have a couple of stories I want to share about loving our faults but I think that will have to wait for the next post.

For today (or any day) go reflect love back to the special people in your life. Whether they are your clients, your friends, your family or your special someone, show them how much you appreciate, respect, admire and welcome them just for being who they are. And check back here tomorrow for more thoughts on love to start your week.

What is JOY worth?

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy"

Thich Nhat Hanh

Picture this; you stop for a cup of coffee, tired from a long day followed by a short night, stressed and in a hurry - you just need that cup of joe. Which cup of coffee is more likely to set your world right, the one handed you by a blank-faced, perfunctory server who is "nice enough" or the one served by someone whose smile is genuine and whose face is alight with joy?

During a recent coaching session a friend, fellow coach and client of many years confessed to me that she still struggles with charging a fee for coaching because it brings HER so much joy.

So I asked her "what is a coach who does not bring joy into the relationship worth?" She admitted that would have very little value. "So then," I challenged her, "you would have to agree that it stands to reason that, assuming their skills and talents were similar, a coach who brought tremendous joy into the relationship would be worth proportionately more?"

Yes, she agreed, that seemed reasonable. Uh huh - I let that sink in for a few moments.

While coaching another good friend; author, speaker and interrogator extraordinaire, "Hello My Name is Scott" Ginsberg (whose 10th book is about to become available and he's not yet 30!) this summer we talked about all the things that he had NOT been doing because of a situation in his life - things that brought him joy. He made a plan to reengage with those activities and coined the phrase "triggers for joy." He soon "reported in" that "pulling his triggers for joy" let him break through what might have been a roadblock in record time.

In my keynote; "What is YOUR light: Connecting Passion, Purpose and Presence" I suggest that audiences connect with their personal passion and purpose to project a powerful presence, a presence that resonates with joy. That presence and the clarity of the message behind it can transform a person, a career or a business more quickly and more sustainably than any other factor.

In my last post, "So you say you made a resolution", I suggested that New Year's resolutions and goals that are grounded in things that bring YOU joy are more likely keep you moving forward toward your objectives.

In fact, I suggested that you focus on "outcomes that make you dance a jig and turn crazy cartwheels on the landscape of your mind."

BUT - Remember that joy needn't BEGIN with your business or your professional goals in order to BENEFIT your business or professional goals. That server whose attitude lifted your spirits before you even took a sip of that morning coffee may not have ENJOYED her tasks but she had a joy that she brought with her into her job. And her joy, regardless of the source, made her more valuable to your morning and therefore, to her employers, than the server who was simply performing her tasks and being "nice enough." Certainly "triggers for joy" that can be pulled by things you do in your work are powerful in building your value but living a life that allows you to experience joy adds to your net worth, regardless of the type of work you do.

In The Go-Giver, authors Bob Burg and John David Mann share the Law of Authenticity; "The most valuable gift you have to offer is yourself." How do you make that gift MORE valuable? Add joy. Because joy cannot be faked. Enthusiasm can be faked, but joy, by its very nature, must be authentic.

Do you know what brings you joy? What makes your heart sing and ignites your inner fire?

I have realized that for me it is witnessing transformation. I experience that joy when I see a smile dawn on someone's face, when I see a rose bush come into bloom, when I see the seasons change the landscape and when I see a client whose inner fire shows in their presence and when their business growth reflects the power that they are using to transform themselves. I connect to it though dialog, through music, through long walks, through networking, through meditation and through writing. I am privileged to have clients who are seeking to transform their professional success through personal transformation and who will let me partner with them in that process - that brings me the greatest joy of all.

So that is where I began my resolutions and goals for the new year, with a Joy List.

My Joy List:

In 2010 I will...

Make more people smile

Plant more roses

Take more walks

Play more music

Write more poetry

Reach more clients

Be more aware of the transformations that happen every minute of every day

What is on YOUR joy list? How will you ignite your fire in 2010?

"A Mini Dose of Dynamite" - a free monthly mastermind call - will launch January 20th. If you want to know more send me an email at Dixie@PureSynchrony.com.

Believing in Greatness

Last week I got to do something I had only dreamed of doing; I delivered a keynote for Build Your Own Brand, an event that showcased three of my greatest heroes, two as the featured speakers and one as the Master of Ceremonies. It was in my own city so I got to deliver to a “home crowd” – in fact, the audience included friends, fans and clients as well as local business owners and high level executives whom I had never met.

With complete latitude to present anything I wanted, I scripted a signature speech that opened with The Flaming Lips and the story of a funeral, went right through some of my own challenges and epiphanies and wrapped up with a clip from one of my favorite films. (Sounds strange I know but it all makes sense in context.) I pulled out the stops and went straight for the heart of it.

The opportunity was a dream come true but there is nothing like a dream coming true to make you recognize how closely related dreams are to nightmares. I was pumped up but I was also having the speech writer’s version of night sweats. Was rocking out to The Flaming Lips at 8:00 in the morning too in-your-face? Was the story too personal, would they be able to relate? Was the slide show too over-the-top? And most of all – would I be able to do justice to the great speakers who would follow me on the stage and to the MC who was going to be “vamping” me in front of about 100 of his friends and fans?

That’s when my heroes stepped up to make me great. As the founder of Yellow-Tie International who were sponsoring the event and as the best “vamp” I know, Gill Wagner was MCing the event. He went to great lengths to tell the world how thrilled he was that I would be presenting. One of our featured speakers, Bob Burg, author of Endless Referrals and co-author with John David Mann of The Go-Giver, came into town a couple of days early to do some media interviews and spend some time working with me. While I never asked for reassurance Bob made it clear in dozens of little ways that he had no doubt that I was going to be “dynamite”. Finally, Scott Ginsberg, our other featured speaker and author of several books including Stick Yourself Out There, went so far as to slip me a note the night before the event that said “You OWN tomorrow – I believe in you.”

Magical words aren’t they? “I BELIEVE IN YOU!”

I realized that night, reviewing my slides and cues, pacing the floor, checking my face for last minute blemishes (oh come on, you have those nightmares too) and then trying to slow my heart rate down enough to sleep (way too early for MY natural night owl’s circadian rhythms) that was exactly what all three of these wonderful friends and fantastic pros were trying to tell me – they BELIEVED in me. Not in my talent or my material, but in ME!

Once that realization blasted through my half sleeping mind dozens of faces lined up behind my “big three.” The “boys of Spoke” clients, friends and lifesavers all, Dan Klein, Brian Schwartz and David Meyer, weren’t just sponsoring the event and producing the marketing materials because it was good business – they believed in me. The same was true of my client and good friend, Bill Ellis, who not only sponsored the event but brought several guests. And it was true of my friend Ruth Binger, whose law firm was a sponsor and who personally brought several guests. I finally got it – the people who had been saying “you’re going to ROCK” weren’t just giving me a pep talk – they believed it. They believed in ME. I breathed that in, drifted off to happy dreams and woke up ready to do just that – ROCK it!

Today a Facebook post from a friend I share with Gill Wagner and Bob Burg and whom the rest of you really ought to have the pleasure of getting to know – horticulturist, musician, foot-massager and humor-lover, Heather Williamson, really brought the lesson home.

Her Facebook status today said “What if you made others greater, every day?”

She does, I’ve seen her do it. And Gill Wagner does, and Bob Burg does, and Scott Ginsberg does and all those other supporters who told me in so many ways “I believe in you” do. It’s what they all have in common – they make others greater because they believe in the greatness of others.

They embody The Go-Giver Law #4 – the law of authenticity. They really believe and they share that belief so sincerely and so freely that the people around them can’t help but be greater. What I had to learn was Law #5 – the law of receptivity. I had to learn to breathe in the gift they offered and LET it make me great.

What does this mean to you? It means you CAN make others greater, every day. You have that power. And it means you can BE greater by accepting the gift of other’s belief in you. You have that power too.

Not sure how to connect those dots? Send me an email at Dixie@PureSynchrony.com and tell me your greatest challenge with making others greater or letting others bring out your greatness. That’s right, send me an email and I’ll send you my thoughts. It’s that simple – it’s the least I can do.

Coaches, Mentors and Magic Dragons

Last month I asked my twitter community to weigh in on a discussion I was having with myself:

"What is the difference between a coach and a mentor?"

I've been called both - I've also been a consultant, a professional trainer and a volunteer teacher. While I felt I could clearly define the difference between coaching and consulting/teaching/training I wasn't so sure I was on the same page with my audience when it came to the difference between a mentor and a coach.

No wonder - the answers from the audience were very diverse. I'm not sure a single answer exists.

In fact, I started a Facebook page called Energy Synergy Harmony – you’ll find it at Facebook pages Pure Synchrony which is the name of my business – to continue this discussion and to facilitate other discussions with my audience

From my friend (and mentor by MY definition) John David Mann

"A mentor cares and gives the light of experience - a coach holds toes to the fire."

From my friend and fellow thought leader, Chris Ortiz

"Difference is love. We coach for money or duty. We mentor because of the relationship."

Some comments suggested that coaches offer inspiration – most agreed that a large part of mentoring is to inspire.

Now there were comments from people who felt they had “virtual mentors” – people they strove to emulate without personal contact or engagement. In my mind I think of those people as role models – I may strive to model them in some way but they are not mentoring me.

What do I think?

I think that the difference IS the emotional engagement – coaching can happen even with the unwilling. You can in fact, coach someone on being coachable. You can force someone to participate in “disciplinary coaching”. It won’t always be successful (as my good friend David Hilyard commented to me If the want" isn't strong enough it can't happen. "If the bird doesn't want to fly you have a chicken." I'm STILL laughing at that one) but it is still a coaching relationship.

Mentoring however is a mutually permissive relationship that requires both parties to engage.

I can BE a coach whether or not I have clients. I can only BE a mentor if I have a protégée who is engaged with me in being mentored.

The posts took me back to a conversation with a client many years ago – we were meeting in a coffee shop and the old Peter Paul and Mary tune Puff the Magic Dragon came on. My client said to me “I think that is what I’ve really been lacking – a Puff”

Now no chuckles from those of you who have your own theories about the topic of that song – what he meant was he had never had someone who took him under their wing – literally OR figuratively and showed him the ropes, took him on adventures, encouraged him to have courage, to dare to venture away from Cherry Lane and go experience the world.

He had never had a mentor.

That song and that memory informed some of my personal definitions of what it means to be a mentor.

It was a mutually giving relationship – Jackie brought strings and sealing wax and Puff introduced him to kings and princes. It was a mutually receiving relationship as well. But most telling was what happened when Jackie outgrew his need for his mentor – Puff slipped into his cave and was seen no more. It required the participation and commitment of both parties.

So here are my thoughts:

A teacher shares knowledge – anyone can learn even against their will.

A trainer works on developing skills – anyone can develop if they have the aptitude.

A consultant has or finds answers and solutions – anyone can benefit if they are willing to do the work.

A coach provokes you to find YOUR OWN answers and solutions, helps you recognize and remove barriers and keeps you focused and moving forward – anyone can grow if they are internally motivated enough.

Any of these people can be hired, engaged, retained, you name it.

A mentor may do any and all of the above but ultimately they share of themselves, not only their experience but their experiences, not only of their knowledge but their wisdom. Only those who are willing to share at that level can be true mentors and only those who are willing to share equally in the emotional commitment can be a protégé.

As to inspiration – anyone can inspire – I’ve been inspired by teachers, trainers, consultants and coaches.

I’ve been inspired by people I don’t know (yet) In fact, it was Chris Brogan who inspired me today to just get on with it and record this video! Thanks Chris!

I must say that I am most inspired by my mentors – because I am inspired not only by what they say but by who they are.

The mentors I have in my life now keep me inspired daily – John David Mann who inspires me to be a little more eloquent every time I sit down to write, Scott Ginsberg who inspires me to be a little less judgmental of what is worth writing, Gill Wagner who inspires me to recognize my own talent, Bob Burg who inspires me to step up to my future with grace and my unwitting (and probably unwilling) mentor, David Meyer, who inspires me to embrace my creativity and to laugh at myself.

Teachers, trainers, consultants and coaches provide a lot of value

But to someone who is ready to be a protégé a mentor is priceless

And to someone who is ready to be a mentor – a protégé is absolutely essential

Why Gurus Don't Live on Mountaintops

I never pictured myself as a guru.

For one thing, they apparently spend a lot of their time at the top of very high mountains. Mountaintops tend to be chilly places and I’m not fond of temperatures below 60 F. Nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.

For another they were always male, serene and scantily clad. I’m female, serene only by extreme discipline and well come on, let’s not go there (especially not at those temperatures.) In fact, the list of why I did not strive for guru status goes on and on and gets much more serious than altitude, weather and wardrobe.

I thought I understood why gurus lived on mountaintops. It was to avoid the throngs of people who wanted to know the secret to “life the universe and everything”. It was to keep from falling victim to the ego trip of knowing you were wiser than the average bear. It was to prevent the world from squandering their hard won insights into what makes the sky blue and the wind blow. Anyone who wanted to share in the guru’s enlightenment had to pay a pretty steep price (or at least climb a pretty steep hill.)

Some of my dearest friends are gurus. Literally. Defined as “a teacher and guide in matters of fundamental concern”. And none of them live on mountaintops.

Because how do you add value from the top of a mountain?

These modern gurus act (and dress) a lot like the rest of us. They bear more resemblance to Pindar in The Go-Giver (written by a couple of my favorite gurus, Bob Burg and John David Mann) than they do to the Hindi leaders of old. What do they do with the secrets, wisdom, insights and enlightenment they have accumulated? They share it.

Like Pindar, they add value to every life they touch.

Their example made it flattering (without these role models it would have been intimidating) to be granted guru status by a couple of recent connections.

My first crack at guru status put me about as close to inhabiting a mountaintop as I want to come but it was (and continues to be) a fantastic experience. The Rise to the Top, hosted and produced by David Siteman-Garland is, as he says, "not your grandpa’s business show". (His description of a "talk show on steroids" is more on the mark.) But David packs it full of humor and solid informaton and augments it with downloadable resources that correspond to each episode. It’s fun, fast and informative!

I got to sit down with David on episode #4; Secrets to building great business and personal relationships and let him grill me about how to “grow your network by 1000%” or something unbelievable like that. You just can’t be nervous taking to David, you’re having too much fun, and he and his film crew were fantastic. They made me look and sound pretty good and then the editor took over and made me look and sound better.

(You can catch it Sunday the 25th on ABC 30 at 11AM or check out the rest of the show times at http://www.therisetothetop.com/.)

Shortly after that show first aired I started hearing myself referred to as a guru.

The next “incident” came through a blog written by Jason Thomas called The Giving Experiment. He references a coffee meeting I had with him and his friend Greg Younger and our host and catalyst for the meeting, Kevin Pannebecker. (Jason, I hope you weren’t really nervous about meeting me and that was just a wee bit of literary embellishment?) Jason has been observing and sharing his experiences in putting the Five Laws to Stratospheric Success from The Go-Giver into action. (He is currently looking to transition his career path into a sales role so if you’re looking for a sales professional who is a go-getter and a Go-Giver I suggest you give Jason a call.)

What did I learn from achieving “guru” status? That everyone is a guru!

Not only have I learned from my friends who have achieved guru status in the eyes of the many, I learn as much or more from the “secret gurus” whose worth has yet to be acknowledged. Let me give you a partial list in no particular order of the gurus who have touched my life in the last week. Some you've heard of and some you haven't but everyone of them is a guru worth getting to know.

Kevin Pannebecker, Bob Burg, Gill Wagner, Dr. William Payne, Lynne Wilhite, Chad Estes, Rachel Lapin, Wendy Gauntt, Thom Scott, Jeremy Nulik, Mercedes Bartlett, Tom Gillaspie, David Meyer, Dan Klein, Brian Schwartz, Chuck Hart, Scott Ginsberg, David Garland, Greg Younger, Lorrie Morgan-Ferrero, Bob Sommers, Ruth Binger, Tammy Dutton, John David Mann and Jason Thomas. That’s right, everyone of these people contributed to my success in just the last week!

We all have knowledge and expertise to share. We all have secrets, wisdom, insights and enlightenment that we have accumulated.

Which means we all have the ability to add value to all of our relationships. And that is the first step on the path to stratospheric success!

Put your best foot forward (actually either foot will do just fine), you can reach stratospheric heights and “rise to the top” without ever setting foot on a mountain.

Inspiration can be Humbling

Today I had my thoughts taken out of my head, massaged into one succinct sentence and handed to me wrapped in a compliment without ever sharing a word.

So what’s a girl to say except, WOW!

I was writing a blog post last night. I decided the power of my passion was interfering with my objectivity, clicked “save now” and stumbled off to bed hoping tomorrow would, figuratively as well as literally, be another day.

Today I received this email:

This post was for you:

http://hellomynameisscott.blogspot.com/2008/12/attributes-of-approachable-leaders-part.html

Happy New Year!

Scott GinsbergThat Guy with the NametagAuthor, Speaker, Coach, Entrepreneur


Scott, I am, as usual, inspired and humbled.

“If they can’t come UP to you, they’ll never get BEHIND you.”

Yeah – that’s what I was trying to say. Exactly.

This is why you rock - businesses, brainstorms and lunches - because you don't waste words and you don't leave anything out.

Since I cannot possibly improve on your list I am going to table the When "Because I Said So" Doesn't Cut it Anymore blog post for another day and hope everyone who reads this has the good sense to take you up on your offer to send them the full "17 Ways to become a Thought Leader" list.

Lunch is on me, bring your notebook.