Who's Got Your Happy?

Any time a theme presents itself through multiple converstaions on multiple occasions over a short period of time I figure it’s either a universal element in the human experience or I have become sensitive to it because there is a lesson there I need to learn.

Yeah – you’re right. It’s probably both. So some examples…

• A friend’s partner of three years said “I’m not happy and I think that means I don’t love you anymore so I need you to move out.”
• Another friend said to me “I’m so depressed, I just can’t seem to make my wife happy no matter what I do.”
• A casual acquaintance said to me “For me to be happy at work my boss would have to…”
• A client said "I want to have more clients that make me happy."

The list goes on…

And then while I was reading Richard Bach’s Illusions for the umpteenth time (give or take a few) I read what the protégée of the story says, quite unaware of the significance of his observation, to his mentor;

“If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.”

How often have you said - or at least thought - "When YOU do that it makes ME really unhappy?" Or "If YOU would only ________ it would make ME so happy."

How many people's "happy" do you hold in your hands? Who's holding on to yours?

In my inspection of my own attitudes about happiness I made a list of things that make me "unhappy" - that rob me of my happiness. And I realized that the emotion I often called "happy" wasn't happiness at all and the things I believed made me unhappy only marred my joy for as long as I allowed them to do so but they did not prevent me from connecting to the source of my "happy."

So what is that thing we call happiness? Since we all know that "happy" people are more successful in love and business and even tend to live longer lives it seems like a relevant question.

Most people who know me probably think I'm ALWAYS upbeat, positive, optimistic - in a word, "happy." Let me debunk that myth right now. I'm an intense person - when I am NOT upbeat, positive and optimistic I could have Pollyanna preparing for Armegeddon. But those things don't equate to "happy" and not being upbeat, positive and optimistic doesn't mean I'm UNhappy.

As with most every other "truth", I believe everyone has to figure out their own personal truth about "happy." I'll share what I discovered about mine, maybe it will help someone else discover their own.

"Happy" for me is more than an attitude. It is a state of being - something that transcends my current circumstances or situation. Knowing that doesn't automatically mean "now I'm going to be happy all the time for no reason at all."

It does mean that I can choose to tap into my "happy" (the most common definition, by the way, is "marked by joy or pleasure") even when I am experiencing a host of negative emotions.

I might be in a situation that keeps me from being fulfilled, I might experience an illness that keeps me from being productive, I might have failed to meet my own expectations - so I might be feeling unfulfilled, sick, unproductive and like a failure. I might have even more severe challenges, loss of my physical freedom, loss of the freedom to express myself honestly - things that strike at the essense of my ability to BE myself. But that only means there are circumstances I am not happy ABOUT - not that I, at my core and as a whole being, am not "HAPPY" - so long as I can experience joy and pleasure I can be happy.

And that "happy" can give me the strength, conviction and courage to address the things I'm unhappy ABOUT.

The next time you say to yourself "If ______ would ________ then I would be happy" ask yourself - "really - don't I really mean that I would be happiER?"

It's likely that having that person give you recognition, affection, attention, help in the kitchen, cooperation on a project, etc... would ADD to your pleasure and joy. That being healthier, slimmer, having more free time, etc... would ADD to your pleasure and joy.

Even situations that restrict your ability to BE yourself - a client, boss, lover, spouse or friend who disapproves of you when you are being your most natural self or who does not recognize your interests or needs in the relationship - YOU are still the one choosing to continue the relationship. If you have exhausted all measures to create equity in the relationship then your only option may be to end it and that is often painful for emotional and/or financial reasons. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide if the restrictions you have allowed that person to place on you cause more pain than it would cause you to transition out of the relationship. YOU are the only person who can make that choice and take that step.

But when you say "I would be happy if..." you are sending yourself a message that you CANNOT be happy until that happens. The unhappiness you choose when you choose that statement robs you of the wherewithal to make that thing come about whether it requires impacting another life, changing your home or work environment, making different decisions about how you spend your time and energy or improving or even leaving a relationship.

No one is holding your "happy" hostage except you.

Of course, as with any truth, the converse is true as well. You can certainly do things to make others happiER but you cannot make them happy if they are not. You might be the source of dissatisfaction, discomfort and even unfulfillment. You MIGHT even be putting up barriers to their being their true selves, doing and being what they are most joyful doing and being - I hope not, but I've been guilty of that in relationships and I think most of us can do that to others without being aware of it. But you do NOT hold their "happy" in your hands.

You have the opportunity to add MORE joy to your life (and believe me that WILL be reflected in your business success) and you have the wonderful opportunity to add MORE joy to the lives of others (and THAT will be reflected in your business sucess as well.) It may require effort (sometimes known as "work") but if the outcome is truly joy then it won't seem like drudgery. Tapping into your "happy" can transform a task or situation you do not enjoy into an outcome and an experience that will lift your spirits for the rest of your life.

Certainly I enourage you to explore the things you aren't happy ABOUT and the things that bring you joy (see the last three posts here.) But know that your source of "happy" is INTERNAL - looking to EXTERNAL sources for it or trying to BE the source of "happy" for someone else is like looking for seashells in the forrest - it will only lead to frustration, bitterness and failure.

So go for the JOY, add to your "happy" and the "happy" of others. But first connect to that fire within you that holds the seeds of your happiness and CHOOSE to BE happy so long as that fire is even an ember.

Transforming Your Business by Indulging in Joy

"Indulge"

- isn't that a marvelous word? It's right up there with "transform" and "connect" on my list of favorite verbs.

As we embark on the new year I hear people say "this year I'm going to work more ON my business not IN my business" and "this is my year to work ON me" and "this year I'm going to work on being more..." and even I refer to my best clients as the ones who come to me ready to "do the work." Clearly we believe that transformations happen because we work to make them possible.

So am I saying we can enjoy every moment - maybe not. I'm probably never going to enjoy some tasks but I still experience joy in the outcomes. And that joy lights my fire and powers my action which leads to outcomes.

So why do we focus on the work? Why don't we focus instead on the joy that effort produces?

I have repeatedly seen that people who focus on the joy in the outcome rather than the task or the goal consistently transform themselves and their businesses. Ask them if it was work and they'll likely say "sure it took EFFORT - but it brought me a lot of joy."

So I can bet you want to know how.... Let me give you an example. In my last post I shared MY Joy List.

In 2010 I will...

• Make more people smile
• Plant more roses
• Take more walks
• Play more music
• Reach more clients
• Be more aware of the transformations that happen every minute of every day

It's pretty clear that "reach more clients" is an outcome that can transform my business. And since I"m a "transformation agent" being more aware of transformations also has a huge impact on my ability to open those paths to clients as well.

But what about "make more people smile?" Isn't that just a "random act of kindness" kind of thing?

Well, I don't think of making people smile as a business strategy, BUT I do have business strategies that bring me joy because they make people smile. Let me share one that the author's of The Go-Giver just shared for the new year.

I have so many true Go-Givers in my life and I'll bet you do to. They smile when I tell them how much I appreciate that they live those principles but they smile even bigger and longer when I recognize their Go-Giver nature to the world. With The Go-Giver Award I can do just that - make someone smile every single day AND let the world know how much I appreciate them in my life.

So on my daily to-do list starting today is to send ONE Go-Giver award to someone I want to recognize as a Go-Giver EVERY SINGLE DAY!

How is that a business strategy? Let's look at the hard-nosed pragmatic side. Since I am certified to coach on The Go-Giver and I speak and do workshops on the 5 Laws, anything that makes people more aware of the 5 Laws of Stratospheric Success increases my worth and credibility. Since authors Bob Burg and John David Mann are great friends and huge proponents of my efforts helping them helps me. Shoot, the web page even has the first chapter to the NEW Go-Giver book, Go-Givers Sell More and I am actually featured (as are many of my friends) in that book. So is it a sound promotional strategy? You bet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.... Truth is there are a lot of things I could put on my to-do list that would achieve all that and maybe more. But I know I'll DO this - because imagining the smile on the face of the recipient brings me so much joy I'd do it even if I weren't so closely tied to the book.

Being able to easily download this certificate and share it through social media lets me implement all 5 Laws at once - because it does add value, it reaches many people, it serves others interests, it's totally authentic and I'm open to receiving whatever comes to me as a result because I know one thing - people WILL smile. How could anyone who really is using those 5 Laws in their life and business receive recognition like this and it not bring a smile to their face?

It is only fitting that the first of my Go-Giver awards goes out to my good friend and colleague, sales trainer, Yellow-Tie founder, author and idea man extraordinare - Gill Wager.

It was Gill who gave me my first copy of The Go-Giver, who first introduced me to the authors, who founded the Business Development Association, Yellow-Tie International on the very principles in the book, and who is a shining example of what it means to BE a Go-Giver!

Gill, you inspire me daily - it gives me tremendous JOY to have this opportunity to acknowledge everything you do for me and for everyone whose lives you touch!

And THAT, as The Go-Giver co-author Bob Burg says in his keynote, is "not only a nice way to live life but a very profitable one as well."

(kudos also to Thom Scott and Cesar Abeug for the concept and design of the award and the web site and to Kathy Zader for implementation.)

What is JOY worth?

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy"

Thich Nhat Hanh

Picture this; you stop for a cup of coffee, tired from a long day followed by a short night, stressed and in a hurry - you just need that cup of joe. Which cup of coffee is more likely to set your world right, the one handed you by a blank-faced, perfunctory server who is "nice enough" or the one served by someone whose smile is genuine and whose face is alight with joy?

During a recent coaching session a friend, fellow coach and client of many years confessed to me that she still struggles with charging a fee for coaching because it brings HER so much joy.

So I asked her "what is a coach who does not bring joy into the relationship worth?" She admitted that would have very little value. "So then," I challenged her, "you would have to agree that it stands to reason that, assuming their skills and talents were similar, a coach who brought tremendous joy into the relationship would be worth proportionately more?"

Yes, she agreed, that seemed reasonable. Uh huh - I let that sink in for a few moments.

While coaching another good friend; author, speaker and interrogator extraordinaire, "Hello My Name is Scott" Ginsberg (whose 10th book is about to become available and he's not yet 30!) this summer we talked about all the things that he had NOT been doing because of a situation in his life - things that brought him joy. He made a plan to reengage with those activities and coined the phrase "triggers for joy." He soon "reported in" that "pulling his triggers for joy" let him break through what might have been a roadblock in record time.

In my keynote; "What is YOUR light: Connecting Passion, Purpose and Presence" I suggest that audiences connect with their personal passion and purpose to project a powerful presence, a presence that resonates with joy. That presence and the clarity of the message behind it can transform a person, a career or a business more quickly and more sustainably than any other factor.

In my last post, "So you say you made a resolution", I suggested that New Year's resolutions and goals that are grounded in things that bring YOU joy are more likely keep you moving forward toward your objectives.

In fact, I suggested that you focus on "outcomes that make you dance a jig and turn crazy cartwheels on the landscape of your mind."

BUT - Remember that joy needn't BEGIN with your business or your professional goals in order to BENEFIT your business or professional goals. That server whose attitude lifted your spirits before you even took a sip of that morning coffee may not have ENJOYED her tasks but she had a joy that she brought with her into her job. And her joy, regardless of the source, made her more valuable to your morning and therefore, to her employers, than the server who was simply performing her tasks and being "nice enough." Certainly "triggers for joy" that can be pulled by things you do in your work are powerful in building your value but living a life that allows you to experience joy adds to your net worth, regardless of the type of work you do.

In The Go-Giver, authors Bob Burg and John David Mann share the Law of Authenticity; "The most valuable gift you have to offer is yourself." How do you make that gift MORE valuable? Add joy. Because joy cannot be faked. Enthusiasm can be faked, but joy, by its very nature, must be authentic.

Do you know what brings you joy? What makes your heart sing and ignites your inner fire?

I have realized that for me it is witnessing transformation. I experience that joy when I see a smile dawn on someone's face, when I see a rose bush come into bloom, when I see the seasons change the landscape and when I see a client whose inner fire shows in their presence and when their business growth reflects the power that they are using to transform themselves. I connect to it though dialog, through music, through long walks, through networking, through meditation and through writing. I am privileged to have clients who are seeking to transform their professional success through personal transformation and who will let me partner with them in that process - that brings me the greatest joy of all.

So that is where I began my resolutions and goals for the new year, with a Joy List.

My Joy List:

In 2010 I will...

Make more people smile

Plant more roses

Take more walks

Play more music

Write more poetry

Reach more clients

Be more aware of the transformations that happen every minute of every day

What is on YOUR joy list? How will you ignite your fire in 2010?

"A Mini Dose of Dynamite" - a free monthly mastermind call - will launch January 20th. If you want to know more send me an email at Dixie@PureSynchrony.com.